R. is for REALITY / RECOVERY

The R.EALITY is, eating disorder(s) destroys lives. It sucks and generally not even slightly pretty.

The R.EALITY is, that Eating Disorders shouldn’t be a tabu. They should not be treated as something so shameful, that you start keeping secrets, lying and isolating yourself from the world outside of YOUR own current R.EALITY. 

The R.EALITY is, that Eating Disorders are a mental illnesses, not character flaws. Not a choice. Individuals don’t necessarily choose to have an eating disorder. It’s their triggering environment. No one can tell whether a person has an eating disorder just by looking at their appearance. People with eating disorders can be underweight, normal weight or overweight. You don’t know their story and have no grounds to judge, just by a glance. ✨👀✨

Eating disorders are literally a range of psychological conditions, which cause unhealthy eating habits and choices, to begin to develop. They might start with a change of eating lifestyle, which may lead to an obsession with food, body weight, or body shape and therefor a tendency of comparisons. In some cases, if left untreated, eating disorders can cause serious health consequences and may even result in near death or death. 🥀

How much of our R.eality do we actually get a chance to live within the boundaries of our eating disorder?

Now that that’s out of the way, the REALITY of an Eating Disorder, especially after this pandemic 🦠, is that the stress it brought before a Lock-down and life as we know it, now tripled. 🕳

The R.eality is, that the only way out of this is going into R.ecovery.

New Logo for RESET MOM – R.ecovery / R.eality E.ating S.elf Esteem E.motions T.angible • M.ind O.ver M.atter

It’s been about two years, since I first started RESET MOM. The experience of a lifetime. 🙌🏽🦋

Facilitating Sunday’s healing circles, meeting women that step out of isolation and find comfort in sharing, has been empowering and healing. 
✨Feeling seen and heard✨ are two things we will deny ourselves within the shackles of our eating disorder. 

With time, I wanted to create a new logo, that would represent not only the women healing in this circle, but also the motivation, courage, and the trust this mental health platform brought with time. 

When recreating, I had a few things I needed to keep in mind this time around: it had to be representative of what I have taken away throughout these two years. 

It needed to show the strength (in connection and speech) and the commitment that comes with „just showing up“. The logo needed to feel like a shield, but also like a hug. 🙂 

Stepping away from blackandwhite , I chose brown tones. (This now also being cohesive with the website. ) 

The typography chosen, highlights the absence of life’s value, when battling (an) eating disorder(s). 

The „E“ is the acronym of „Eating“ and „Emotions“. 
Choosing to use the E backwards, creates a sense of detachment of the power they both hold, reflecting on the mental battlefield we carry with us. 

Image: Flexing Afro Sis, is representing all black women healing and cheering each and every black woman on! 🤎

I hope you like it! 🦋 

26 and no idea what place I have in this world.

*Tigger warning.

I started this Blog as a way to connect to my passion of expressing my trauma with words as a voice, besides the voices of Mia(Bulimia) and Ana(Anorexia) in my head. It had become part of my healing ans still is, to this day.

In this Blog, I share MY PERSONAL experience with you as a way to gently remind you, that you are not alone in this false reality, with (an) eating disorder(s).

This is one of the few pictures I have of myself, alone, during this time. Looking at this image, so much comes to mind:

• I was 26
• My son was 3
• I was battling bulimia for over a decade
• I was purging each day, since day one
• I found comfort in holding Mia tight
• I managed to get through pregnancy
• I was a good mother
• I fell in love with my son more then I could ever imagine
• I decided to move to the US in summer 2006
• My ambitions were high
• My heart was broken
• I was depressed
• I felt lonely
• I was confused and scared
• I had a good environment
• I was able to grow, against all odds
• I was taking laxatives daily
• I was loved
• I was lost
• I knew I was meant to be something different
• I was obsessed with my body image
• I was trapped in a fake reality
• I had been to inpatient care once
• I had been to outpatient counselling
• I had been given advice how to not loose my child during pregnancy, when binging and purging
• I had been hurt numberous times, by the human of the sperm
• I had been going out dancing regularly
• I had a tight knit relationship with my eating disorder
• I was healing from missing the closeness of Kumba (my younger sister) and I
• I had lost sense of TRUE purpose and was hopeful to find a new one
• I had a mom in Germany, I lived close to
• I had a dad stationed in Africa and coming home every few months
• I had a sister living in Chicago and I had barley talked to, due to my hurt ego
• I was always in some kind of romantic relationship
• I was holding on to the human of the sperm so hard, that part of me would always be unavailable
• I spent most of my time around US army sioldiers & families and the acquaintances and friendships that grew
• I was living for and with my son
• I felt like I needed more education
• The fire inside of me was urging for more excitement
• I was living in a fake reality
• I felt like I owed my dad “more”

I was considered a “grown-up” and considered “responsible” – the truth was, I was LOST. My notion of who I was and what I was to become, was barley no existent. Thankful for the “training” of my dad, that taught me to JUST PUSH THROUGH and better times would lay ahead. Something that was ingrained in me so deeply, that even my eating disorder couldn’t destroy me, at any stage.

I had followed my path to self-experiment, self-destruction and self-unloved – a path that could have become deadly, if I hadn’t made the right decisions at the right time.

My self imaged was so disturbed, that I can hardly remember a “good” moment, during that time. I was so wounded, by the fact, that the human I had sex with and conceived a child with, was up to date, the love of my life. The human that I had trusted with my heart and I trusted to be honest, had betrayed not only me, but his wife of six years. I was devastated and the only way I knew how to get through, is by having a close relationship with what I had called : My best friend – Mia.

As much as I had hoped, that “life would change” as soon as I would create a new life for me and my son in Florida,USA, there was nothing I had , up to date, that I would be able to be a compensation for what was going to fallow me. I was going to leave everything I knew and hope that creating a “new life”, in a different country, would eliminate the need of Mia. But she was in for the ride and was taking Ana with her, to keep her company.

While in this picture, I am alive on the outside, I was dying on the inside – and there was two more decades ahead, I had never thought would be robbed from me, by Mia and Ana.

*as brief moments cross my mind, I seek more understanding of lost time. My way out of hell was trusting those that were going to help me out if it.

“Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”

– Oprah

It’s been a long time coming

Its December first, 2021.

Here in Germany we are now going into the fourth pandemic forced lockdown, as the world is still burning on all ends, the little world I have been able to create f0r myself – is safe haven.

Making it through a long years relationship that had confirmed the existence of my bad habits and my emotional coping strategies, I can finally say that I have found peace with my past.

Finding peace with my faults, my flaws and eating disorder, has paved the way to my recovery that I am embracing more each day. Something I was only able to fathom as HOPE. As place I might not ever make it to, healthy.

As I look back and think of what has brought me here, I thank patience.

There were times, that I thought I had everything under control, claiming I was in recovery, as I was by any means – NOT. I was holding on to the “thought of..” without knowing how it really truly feels.

I was reassuring my resources, by gaining knowledge in various fields of health and coaching. Each year past and each certificate accomplished, I grew more into the human I can face in the mirror and share my knowledge, wisdom and energy with. With each year past and each certificate accomplished, I grew more and more in love with myself.

If I wanted to embrace a life without bulimia and anorexia, I had to embrace that my body was going to have to change.

– Cérise C. Carson – as I had to face the TRUTH

I had heard in the past, when those in full recovery would say that: “recovery isn’t easy and it’s not pretty”. As I choose NOT to repeat this quote, as one of my own, it’s true.

Because quite frankly, the honest part about recovery, is that it’s a choice we all have to make individually and commit to ourselves differently then before. Unlearning a habit that served as a “protector of…(you fill in the blank), isn’t easy. It means that to reach that light, there is a whole LONG path of deep dark woods to walk through. It get’s scary and lonely at times, even in the best of company. The voices that once served as a purpose, need to be silenced in a way that GUILT won’t want to invite them to a party again.

It was hard for me to let go of Mia. She was there for me, when I felt like there was no one around that could understand me. I felt like with the control I had over me and my body, “I would one day come up on top – in the corner office, with a citywide view, fitting in any dress or suit I laid my eyes on. Because I could fit in anything and look fabulous anywhere. I would come home to my perfect loft with my amazing ….” – and that’s where it ends. I knew then that I could never find TRUE love, without excepting myself.

Fast forwarding to the NOW – none of that “dream” is what I would ever want for myself. None of that relates to what I need to feel safe, acknowledgeable and valued.

Living with CONTROL, also meant that I had no real space for reality and what my soul truly seeks, because there was no connection.

Now I am right where I need to be, living and doing what I love and being in a loving relationship with myself and my partner – full of beautiful potential.

After 2 months, I send best regards from Berlin

Current situation:

I’ve been living in Berlin for aprox. 6months now, a full time job, what will be a total of 4 months and am now looking once again, since at this current (start-up) , my position has expired and there will no longer be a need for my services.

Well, there you go. That and the background of my living with a constant fear of my boss asking me into his office again, explaining which things I have been doing wrong, is the perfect fuel that Mia needed to make herself appear again and take a spot as my best friend. She is there when I need her, after work. She is there when I don’t like living and obeying by the rules of survival. She is there when the rebel in me ways to break free. She is there when I question life, reason and punishment, when I feel that I deserve a (literal)”kick in the rear end” to accomplish what I need to make it in this city.

In the mornings I get discussed by my night time rituals, that seam more like black magic, then doing good in this world and for myself.

I know that I am stronger then I feel I might be, as soon as I get through the day and return home again.

I know that if I would just hold onto that feeling of power, I would finally be able to wake up awake and feel like there is a reason, rather then being tired and drained from the purging I did the night before.

The symptoms of Mia:

When I woke up , the first time, early and refreshed the othermorning, I felt that there was a propose of me being up. I knew that there was something I had to do. Something I wanted to do. It was still dark, almost dawn outside and it had slipped my mind what I wanted to accomplish, so I rolled back around, reset my alarm and slept for another hour ( with my alarm waking me up, every couple of min., just enough so I wouldn’t fall back into a deep sleep)

I started my day with my usual regime and got powered up, to make it through the day. What has been getting me through it quite softly, is smoking at least half a joint in the morning. Going to work with a certain buzz, has benefitted my attitude and that I at least crave food at some point.

The symptoms of Ana:

Without it, I would probably try and starve a bit, just to “think” that I can atleast use the stress in my life as applicant<< for possibilities to loose a couple of pounds. But as I already know, that never works out well!!

What I had been wanting to do that morning, was write. Like I am doing now. Get the fresh thoughts out early in the morning, right after waking up…. But as I had mentioned. It slipped my mind… >_<

Hours later, getting through another day, at the job that I will only have for another week, I feel mentally exhausted. Questioning why I have allowed my talents to go to waste with shipping out packages and answering client emails that are (most of the time) clearly a matter of how this company is built and with which structure it is built on.

Geeze, how I miss my old job, where social media is rule number one, if one wants to survive in the world of start ups. Fu** image speech and how to explain in a delicate way, what you want and why you want it. If there is a need for your product (which there probably isn’t) then you need to get the world to think they need it. Have them urge to have what you offer and do everything to get it.

That’s how you make it in this world today!

Just like me writing now and you reading this… Is it interesting enough that you want to continue?

Obviously, or you wouldn’t have gotten this far! And I’m not even TRYING to sell myself. I’m just telling you my side of the flipped coin and what has gotten me here, why I’m telling you this and how I will help myself by getting out of this quick sand once and for all.

Mia opened her mouth and swallowed me whole as I wait for her to spit me out

I can’t believe how fast this last week went. Almost the middle of this first month of the year and I already have had episodes that I’m not proud of. Not wanting to magnify nor minimize the incidents, I am allowing myself to learn hard from my throw backs, getting up weakened and with new energy to defeat either Mia and Ana before they have a chance to attack me from behind and take me down.

It’s hard – damn hard without having a safe place to speak aloud and make wind of the negative energy inside. Some days I allow Ana to control my actions just to face the embrace of Mia on the other side.

This week has been harder on me, then any other week since I exited rehab after 4 months. My mind in limbo, my thoughts loose and my emotions going haywire.

I need to grasp a routine again and not become slave to father time as I feel it sucking LIFE out of my veins. At this rate, I will become older then my soul, finding myself in a glass cube with water running from the bottom up.

This needs to stop.

My Monday has shifted into a day like every other, when being proud of my recovery was the HOPE I had been looking forward to for years passing.

I cycle that feels like I’m a hamster in a wheel at times, I’m secretly planning my escape and would rather stop movement then let it destruct me, leaving Mia and Ana to eat my dust!

Happy New Year 2016 to all my magical friends, fairies and believers

Today is the first Monday of the year 2016 and what a great start it’s been already! I haven’t had one urge to binge nor purge, although let me tell you; New Years Eve was one fun drink and dance fest!! Not waking up with a hangover and being fully functional, made me quickly realize that my choice of celebrating into the year was indeed a choice well decided.

Unlike any other year, beginning this year on a positive note has been quite easy, when reflecting on what I have accomplished in 2015:

I managed to finally take the step in my life that would change my future forever, by seeking help and giving Mia and Ana a good kick in the rear end (!), I gained strength (and A LOT OF weight) that allows me to extend my endurance, I moved to Berlin, started an amazing new job and have allowed people to get closer to me, that seamed to be an issue ever since I left my family of friends in SFlo.

I am happy and know how blessed I am to have the life I have with every individual in it. There is not much more I could wish for.

At the end of the rainbow, 2015 was my year. I have emotionally danced under stars, boogied under the moon and have laughed so hard that my tummy hurt (numerous times!)

There is so much I will still learn, experience and be thankful about, when all I can say is:

Life is grand as a Unicorn ❤

(hver hefur sinn djöful að draga)

My count has silenced…

Xmas turned out to not be as merry as I hoped and much more difficult then expected.

Christmas eve was spent over the toilet, due to way too much wine and too little to eat. (strike one) The next evening we were out and about most of the day, visiting the extension of the family on mom’s side, leaving little to eat for me (not vegan and gluten free), with having me craving any and everything as soon as we got home. Of course the voice just got louder the moment everyone went to be and I was alone. (strike two)

Strike three came to no real surprise to me as I was obviously already on a roll and figured “why not?!”

Shit shit shit!!! Mia took me through a hell of a ride during one of the happiest holidays I had this year!! SHIT!!!

And this is where the poem comes in that I have posted beneath. It is another symbol of change and that words can make such a strong statement that I want to share with you.

The Day for Firsts: A Poem to the New Year.

It was going to be one of those good years.

I went down to the ocean today,

and for the first time ever,

I could actually hear it,

 

the lapping of each wave washing up on the rocky shore.

 

I took off my shoes and I stood there

on a grassy bluff above the sea,

and for the first time ever,

I could actually feel it,

 

each individual blade of grass underfoot as it grew.

 

I looked out to the sky in front of me

and for the first time ever,

I could actually see it,

 

the sun, feeding everyone of us its light.

 

I closed my eyes and I inhaled,

as the mighty ocean breeze swirled around me,

and for the first time ever,

I could actually smell it,

 

the sweet fragrance of the universe in every cellular speck of air.

 

I turned to my lover and I kissed him,

and for the first time ever,

I could actually taste it,

 

how love moves effortlessly between two souls.

 

Ocean, alive.

Earth, alive.

Sky, alive.

Air, alive.

Love, alive.

 

and here I was standing in front of another new year,

very much,

alive.

 

And for the first time ever,

I could actually sense it,

in each one of my bones there was a whispering,

‘it’s going to be a good one,

dear.’

Wishing you all a magical start into the new year, may your goals come true ❤

I am blessed with a sister that is an angel.

My Monday’s are holy to me. My sister re-reminded me of that, during her Sunday night which was my Monday morning. She went out of her way to let me know how important I am to her and that I was the very one that was inspiring to her, although most of the time I do see it a bit differently. Although I know that with each week, I am showing MiAna the middle finger, I appreciate the love and support from the outside, reassuring me that I am stronger then the week before and more of a human I have wanted to be, then ever before. But I have indeed asked myself more then once, what these numbers might mean, that I have been continuously  counting for so long. And this is when my sister sent me the answer…

ANGEL NUMBER 42

Number 42 is made up of a combination of the attributes and energies of number 4 and number 2. Number 4 brings the vibrations of practical thinking, security and building solid foundations for ourselves and others, inner-wisdom and patience, application and productivity.  Number 4 also relates to our passions and what motivates and drives us in our lives.  The number 2 carries the qualities of partnerships and relationships, duality, service and duty to others, balance and harmony, adaptability, diplomacy and co-operation, consideration and receptivity.  Number 2 also relates to your Divine life purpose and soul mission.

Angel Number 42 is a message from your angels about pursuing your passions and life purpose.  When you do things you love, and put your heart and soul towards achieving your goals, the angels give you guidance and assistance every step of the way.

The repeating Angel Number 42 is a message from your angels indicating that you are to maintain faith and trust, and know that your prayers have been heard and are being answered.  Your angels are working very closely with you and are assisting with achieving your success.  You are encouraged to reach out for help from them whenever you feel the need.

Angel Number 42 also encourages you to pursue your ideal career and/or profession.  If you are intuitively prompted to begin or expand a spiritually-based career, practice or profession, the angels will assist with establishing the foundations that will lead to your desired results and ultimate success.  Working to serve others will manifest all that you want and need in your life.

http://goo.gl/o1Z7CC

Bottom line, I’m blessed. My baby sister once again showed me that she loves me dearly and that no matter how I feel about myself, I’m worth much more then I allow myself to believe. Because the angels told me so… 

Week 41 – my fight, my song. I love my life.

I missed writing last week. Yet to my defense, I must say, it was one crazy week! I started a new job on Monday (mabsoot!!) and have been literally striving to get the hang of everything without being too overwhelmed. I actually succeeded for the most part. Mid week I realized that I was slipping when it came to my meal intakes and having a enormous craving when getting home late evening. But at least I recognized  it and this leaves room for change. Which I did for the second half of the week.

What I have noticed, is with not applying what Miana gave me, I have more time to work and think, without being completely drained from either starving,vomiting or both , which allows me to actually recognize when I am naturally beat from mental stress.

I chose the following song to  represent what I feel and how strong I know I am, and how little I will let the world around effect me.

Today I am stronger then I have been in quite some while and am blessed for new steps I am taking in the right direction

xx

“Fight Song”

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (in too deep)
And it’s been two years
I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I’m alright song (Hey!)
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong (I’ll be strong)
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

No I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me